My Tips on Voting Like a Middle-Class White Liberal "Thinking Person"

So you might have gone to the polls all ready to vote for the president, only to have your buzz killed by the fact that there's all these other boxes that you also have to check while you're there. The further along you get, the more local it gets, and unfortunately, I would venture to say that most people of my generation don't know who these people are and what they stand for. Even if you vote straight ticket, there are still all these random names of people running for school board, county coroner, etc., and they don't list party affiliation. What do you do? Here you are, expecting yourself to feel all awesome for participating for the right team in the democratic process, only to have your moment of triumph harshed by the sobering realization that you don't know jack about local politics. You spent all this time hating on Sarah Palin when you could have been informing yourself about who would make a good county commissioner. What's a This American Life fan to do?

I've made it simple. Here are my rules for avoiding voting for an a-hole, without actually doing an research.

#1. Pick the one that isn't Republican.
#2. Think hard. Have you seen any of these names on a bumper sticker on an SUV? If so, avoid.
#3. A-holes often have a-hole names. Sometimes you can just tell. Say the name to yourself, try to envision the type of person who might have such a name, then in your mind try to shake hands with the person that you have imagined. Is the handshake "gooey"? Does s/he smell like a leather jacket? If the name looks it belongs on a country club roster, move right along to the other options.
#4. If you can't tell, go ahead and pick the name that sounds diverse. Diversity comes in many flavors: female, African-American, Jewish, Hispanic, Asian, middle-eastern. In that order. If the name "sounds gay" you are welcome to go with that one as well.
#5. If all the above suggestions have failed, try to pick people with the same last names as people you were once friends with.


That is all.