Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Possible Autobiography Titles

autobiography titles

Enter Snowman

Enter Snowman

Thank you, Amber. Best Christmas present EVER.

This stocking inspired me. Blogosphere people, I need your help. I want to do a Christmas-themed parody of Enter Sandman called Enter Snowman. I only have one line figured out so far:

Instead of "We're off to never-neverland" it will go "we're off to winter wonderland"

That's all I've got. I mean, it's a start, right? Do you think that I will be able to have something together to give away by Christmas? I am going to try like really hard. Help me if you can think of any good lines. I'm no Weird Al. I guess that's why he makes the big bucks.

Old Friend

Accompanying Song

old friend

You were our Christopher Columbus and America (or a miracle).

Perhaps nothing's really changed.

Song recorded in a depressing apartment in Dayton, OH, Summer, 2001.
Picture drawn last Sunday.

P.S. I am working on figuring out a way so that the songs can be played without going away from the picture. Any ideas would be helpful (but don't just say imbedding the mp3 in the page, because I don't think that is what I want to do). I mean, basically what I am wanting is what a podcast does, but then I wouldn't be able to put this stuff on the awesome MySpace website. I have some ideas.

A Really Good Palindrome

As you all know, I have loved palindromes since the 10th grade. I went through a serious palindrome craze. I had this piece of paper with the best ones I could find written down on it. If only I could find that piece of paper now, it would make the sweetest blog entry. For now, I offer you one of my favorites. I feel that this palindrome exhibits all of the good things that a palindrome should. Humor, quirk, semantic chutzpah, and of course, symmetrical spelling. Here goes:

Straw? No. Too stupid a fad. I put soot on warts.

p.s. This reminds me. The backwards spelling thing on Cranium Turbo is not as easy as you think, especially if you are going for a turbo card and have to do three of them. My own semi-Mexican roommate did not know how to spell guacamole, forwards or backwards. He thought there was a "w" in it,* and for that, I pretty much worship him.

* Last time I checked, the letter "w" doesn't occur naturally in Spanish.

McDonald's Rap, Dot Com.

This is from Noblesville, IN. Wow.
And who knew that you could forward a .com domain name straight to a MySpace page? Sweet.

The New Joanna Newsom Album Is...

Judging by the first two songs, it seems pretty crappy, actually. String arrangements by Van Dyke Parks, produced by Jim O'Rourke, recorded by Steve Albini... Sounds like it might be a good idea, but then I actually heard the music. It might as well be Rick Wakeman's The Myths and Legends of King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table, except that it's not funny, and there will probably not be a dramatized version of it done on ice. I fell asleep listening to it, and when the first two songs that I had downloaded were done (both of them being longer than 10 minutes) I was actually very very happy to hear the next song on the playlist, which happened to be "Thank U" by Alanis Morissette (did you know that song is talking about Dave Coulier?). Joanna Newsom's music (which I have liked in the past) made Alanis sound like a musical genius. Something is wrong here.

Maybe this album cover should have been my first clue:

A Chocolate Bar Which Imitates a Phone Which Imitates a Chocolate Bar

What we have here is a chocolate bar which I received free while walking through the IMU one day. This chocolate bar is made to look like a phone. This phone, however, is also supposed to look like a chocolate bar. It's meta-meta. In the phrase "A Chocolate Bar Which Imitates a Phone Which Imitates a Chocolate Bar" there are two relative clauses, but they both essentially are just about how the chocolate bar is supposed to look like something that is supposed to look like chocolate to begin with.


It's like that photo of the guy holding a picture of a guy holding a picture of a picture of a picture of a picture of a picture of a picture...

You can play The Sims on this phone though.

The actual chocolate was about what you would expect from a free chocolate bar that someone hands to you at the Union. Like a waxier version of kind of chocolate they sometimes use to make chocolate Christmas tree ornaments, if you've had that.

The Person Who Makes a Ripple in Your Spine


Jigglers 10-Pack

I kept these guys in my pocket for like two weeks. They influenced my brain and these songs.


Heaven's Heaviness

I like that sky

Puerto Rico

daddy yankee


sir elton john

De-Virginization Correction


Important Floyd Coates Update

Floyd Coates, author of "Our Toilets Are Not For Customers" and frequent subject of my blogging, apparently ran (again) for public office and lost (again). Thanks to correspondent Jon Anderson for another A+ voicemail message and for this important late-breaking update. How about adding this to the list of fears: Fear of finding out you are being "blogged" about by some a-hole dude from Bloomington who thinks your book is funny.



Jon (he's the one on the left)
Press Purple Button on My Toe

Two Important Names in Your Future

Crab Jackson

Sam Jamworthy

told to me by Jeremy Kennedy

And a picture I drew when I was in the 9th grade (note the random name-drop of my favorite band at the time):

get a life

Re: Taking It to the Next Level

Dude, I had the CRAZIEST weekend!

Board games. Some people love them, some people hate them. More about this and the general concept of "organized fun" later.

So, I'm like sitting there, and someone says something about a board game. So I'm like "I know, let's go to TARGET! And get a board game. And then PLAY IT! And everyone was like "yeah!" So, we hopped in the Civic, jamming the original Albini mixes of in Utero, I was like "man, they really killed this album in the mastering process, didn't they?" and everyone else was like, "Whatever man, it rocks." And it's true. It could have been mastered onto a My First Sony by holding the detachable microphone up to the speaker on an answering machine, and it would still rock pretty hard. But Kurt is still dead. RIP.

So we get to Target, and I was thinking "Cranium." I have thought this a few times in the past, but I have never acted out on this emotion. There we were, in the game aisle. We passed Blokus, and I thought of the Orrs. But I had to move on.

Then I saw Cranium. I was about ready to just go ahead and grab it, but then I saw something else. There was a slightly larger box, but bearing the Cranium name. This box was also like really heavy. It felt like it was filled with a giant Cadbury Egg or something. It was Cranium Turbo, and it was only 10 cents more than regular Cranium. How can a bigger box and turbo-izing something only cost 10 cents? I had to find out.

Cranium Turbo

So, we headed home, but Hector asked me if we could stop at the Taco Bell drive-thru, and I was like, whatever, I guess. So we went, and it took FOREVER. Anyway, we get home, and when I opened the box, I was blown away by the contents. No wonder this thing was so heavy.

So we started playing. The team of test-gamers including myself, Hector Orton (I forgot to mention that he was dressed like a businessman throughout this whole thing), Jenna "Killer" Beez, and Torlando (with a first name like that, do you really need a last name?) began to "check it," as they say. I went and got 3 AA batteries for the buzzer thingy. What kind of thing takes three AA batteries? I thought that was kind of weird. I was right, it is weird. It's not only the buzzer, but it's the thing that tells you what color to go on and how many spaces to move. High tech, except it looks like a retarded Bop-It. It also SOUNDS like a retarded Bop-It: it plays this drum beat as it is counting down your time, which is kind of funny (like in the way that the Jeopardy song is kind of funny), but also kind of annoying (in basically the same way that the Jeopardy song is annoying). It's hard to resist though, because it's got a big button, and you just wanna PRESS IT.

So you are probably all wondering what makes it TURBO, right? OK, here's the deal. There are these turbo cards for each category that you need to get four of in order to win. But instead of doing one Cranium-type task, you have to do three of them all correctly. And they're pretty hard. This is probably why it took us 2-hours-PLUS to finish the game. They were fun-filled hours though. There were some pretty triumphant moments, like when Torlando successfully made a six-pack, potato chips, and a sofa out of the modeling clay. You see, the six-pack was not like a six pack of beer, no, it was a six-pack like a strong man's stomach! Yeah. It was truly Cranial. Or there's this one thing where you have to take one of your teammates and move them like a puppet to act out some kind of charade. You can imagine the wackiness.

All, in all, the game kicked ass, and I can't wait to play it again. Which brings me to my next item of business.


Seven Kanji For Seven Mornings

Some faves.


I Participated


"That's soooo 2006!"

I participated in a podcast with Kristin Peach. It's called The Fine Art of Doing.

You should check it out, especially the first "episode" (the one that's an .m4a <-that stands for Mostly 4 Awesome) because it's got special picture slideshow action, and because it will help you feel more confident, if that's what you need (I know I did). In this podcast, we vow to post stories, motivational slideshows, Reading Rainbow-style book reports, and other "funny" stuff.

You're probably just going to want to go ahead and subscribe, because there is some pretty next-level stuff on the horizon (for those of you who listen to WIUX, we will be doing a parody ad soon [if you know what that is, you REALLY know what that is, and you probably aren't racist anymore]), and plus, you don't want to hurt my feelings, do you? I am so tender right now!

Anyway, just go to and get the goods. If you use iTunes, then click the "subscribe with iTunes" thingy and then you will be totally 2007'd. There are other ways to get this stuff too, including this thing called "download," an RSS feed, and this other technology where they send you a microcassette attached to a pigeon. it's all there on the website thing. Even a caveman could do it. <-Also so 2006.

The world is going to be sooooooo sick of my stupid voice.

Your friend,


I Got Asked Some Questions

My old friend Josh Bonati interviewed me. You can read it here.

He says he stole the idea from me, but I stole the idea from K Composite, who stole it directly from the guy who invented the interview, Robert Interview. It don't matter, it's about sharing ideas and asking questions. Right? Right.

So, if you've every wondered how I feel about Spanish pronoun gender, then this something you've GOT to read.

Critique My Shopping Trip

Am I getting enough potassium? Will I die from sodium overload, or from the diabetes, or from cilantro elbow? Am I paying too much for cream cheese? Please advise.

Popeye Spinach. I am so glad you are back in my life, you strong man. $1.99

Parsley and Cilantro. I bought both. No carrots. They jumped into the picture at the last minute, so I was like whatever. $0.99 and $0.49

$7 bag of almonds. I usually don't buy anything at the grocery store that is over $5, but I have been so good this week and I really deserve it. And hopefully it will last like two weeks.

Silk Nog. I didn't buy any, this is just foreshadowing for this thing I am doing in the future.

I did buy this though. Not the dented one. $3.49

Purchased! $1.99

Mild pepper rings. Why not? I think I'm pregnant. $2.19

Didn't buy. But these are LEGO Eggos. It's 2006. Why did this not happen sooner?

Jacket. In the frozen food aisle. Didn't buy. Do they put these there because they think people will get cold and then need to buy a jacket? Almost worked for me. NOT!

Tapioca. Didn't buy. Already have!

Yeah. I will be making pudding pops with these. It seemed cheap. Maybe I will start packing little lunches for myself now. Little lunches! Requires no refrigeration. Shouldn't it though? Should I be scared? $0.95

One box. I was raised on unsweetened generic cereal. That's just how I am. $2.00

My house has a dishwasher now, so I guess I need to buy this stuff. Will my dishes taste lemony? $1.97

Kroger refrigerated pickles. I usually buy these every week, but they didn't have any spears, just whole pickles and slices. What's up with that, Kroger?

Heuvos Dixoncheros. It freaks me out how cheap eggs are. $0.88

Pickle chips. A weekly purchase. Is sunflower oil better? Am I supposed to be impressed or something?

Indiana Mustard. I didn't buy.

Sparkling Water. For my creative sparkling drinks. $0.59

Affordable feta cheese. When I went to Aldi in Spain, I was impressed by their cheap horchata and feta cheese. I was also impressed by the fact that Aldi is not synonymous with trashy like it is here. The United States is on the verge of enjoying the blessing of cheap feta. Now where is the horchata, gringos? $1.99

Cream cheese. It's good for you. $1.13

Didn't buy, but wanted to. If you look at this picture from far off, it looks like chicken.

The glorious smell of the coffee aisle.

I usually try to buy something from the kosher section, but I just could not find anything I wanted.

I know that Orbit is an asshole gum, but I like it. I'm a sucker for the lemon flavored products. Just look at my toothpaste. $2.39

I bought one and got one free. It's not really German though. $1.64

I buy them because I know I will eat them. I know I will eat them because they are absolutely delicious. $3.09

Not pictured: one avocado. $1.25

Total price: $40.47
Total number of items sold: 21

I saved $5.66 with my Kroger Plus Card!



My Thoughts on Copyright Term Extension

Corrections by Dr. Sumie Jones.


I got a star!

Really Good Ideas From My Youth, pt 1

An electric guitar prototype sketch, taken from my 9th grade assignment book. Probably drawn when I should have been studying biology or something like that.

If you thought that double-neck guitars were cool, then czech this out! Here we have the really cool Steinberger-style guitar body, but with four guitars joined together in holy matrimony by attaching the neck of one guitar to the body of the next. Note that one of the guitars is fretless. each guitar features a humbucker as well as a single-coil pickup, probably by EMG. I can't remember what I was thinking when I drew this. There is practically no conceivable reason why this guitar would ever need to exist, and maybe that's why I drew it. I never really figured out how the strap situation would work for this guitar, so any ideas for that would be appreciated. I would prefer something that lets the guitarist swing between guitars as he is playing. I think it could be arranged, with the proper imagineering.

best guitar idea

Our pasts are not embarrassing! Our pasts are clues to who we are now and the people we will someday become. Floyd Coates taught me this principle.

P.S. Steve Albini In Utero Mixes

I Discovered That I Now Had Twenty-Four Ketchup Packets

Because this is my 100th blog post, I thought that I would give you something special that I had been holding out on for a while now.

About four years ago, I was employed as a translator at a Japanese company here in Indiana called HAPPICO. That topic in itself is worthy of its own book (HAPPICO, once a large plastics manufacturer, is now completely out of business, and I have about 300 pages worth of boredom-induced on-the-clock writing that could give you some idea why). Most people, both inside and outside of the company called it "Crappyco," and with very good reason.

One Friday, by boss, Mr. Manabe, informed me that I would have to accompany him as his translator on an excursion the next day to American Plastics Molding in Scottsburg, Indiana. Work on Saturday? Eff that, I thought. Little did I know that my visit there would change my life forever.

All that I had heard about American Plastics Molding was that they refused to work on Sundays because the owner of the company was a devout Christian. When we arrived at their facilities in Scottsburg that day, there was quite a bit of time to kill, and while we were hanging out in the office waiting for our contact to show up, I noticed that there were copies of this red book all over the place. I picked one up and started reading it. It was weird. Really weird. What is up with this weird book? Is this written by the president of this company? When one of the secretaries saw that I was reading it, she asked me if I wanted my own copy of the book to take home. She even told me that I could have a few copies of the book to take home. Why are they so eager to get rid of copies of this book?

Well, it turns out that not taking an entire boxfull of this book is possibly one of the biggest mistakes I have made in my entire life. You see, the book by by APM president Floyd Coates is called Our Toilets Are Not for Customers. That should have been my first hint as to the treasures contained within its pages. I took my one copy of the book home with me, and showed it to a few friends, kind of like "check out this weird book they gave me when I went to Scottsburg." Every single person who has seen the book has desperately wanted a copy. It's just THAT GOOD. Need proof? Please read what is possibly one of the greatest opening sentences of all time. Here you go:



That's right. There is a book, an actual printed book with a full color cover, full of "stories" just like this. This chapter really just scratches the surface of the genius found within the pages of Our Toilets Are Not For Customers. There will be more blogs about this book. Many, many more.

I Heard The Bells on 10/26/06

I heard the bells